How many of us have ever sat down and taken a good hard look at why we behave as we do, why we “are” the way we are, why we respond the way we respond, etc? I am known for being a stubborn, strong-willed, fix-it, doer, get stuff done, no-nonsense kind of person. I’ve been accused of being too serious, been told to lighten up, and more. Some of my behaviour has been protective, such as when my opinion and conviction differ sharply from someone else’s. Defending those convictions, defending those opinions has sometimes meant confrontation that my body can nolonger handle.
So I got to thinking and a memory came back to me of when I was in Rwanda in 2008. The people there wanted to give me a name that meant “gentle”! You can imagine the shock and amazement at being told they see a gentleness in me that I have failed to see in myself.
Lately those two sets of thoughts have collided, and I got wondering about that gentle bit. Was there a trace of it somewhere that I have not recognized in myself? Then I realized that I am gentle with insects (yes, I like insects and the other day got a wasp to sit on my finger instead of my daughter’s leg), gentle with animals, gentle with the elderly, etc.
So after those realizations came to me, I had to ask myself where the tough exterior came from…where the need to stand up for myself came from and how it got so strong. . .
The only answer I have is a possible acceptance/respect issue. The sense that I’ve often felt unaccepted for who I am and how I think has led to the perceived need to protect who I am and protect how I think, the need to ensure that I don’t succumb to the cookie-cutter others want to press me into.
Then as if those thoughts weren’t enough, my personal devotions took me to Proverbs 3, where I was reminded again of the need to grasp onto God’s wisdom and discretion. I paused on those verses, rereading them a few times, and then when devotions were over, I came to the computer and opened my email.
I have an author account, work account, and personal account that I check every day. I’ve been offering the daily sessions from my series as daily emails this year, with about 18 emails getting them every morning. I have my own author email receiving one as well so I know it went out. Today’s reading was about God’s gentleness. . . It starts out in Psalm 73, the last section and then gives a string of verses, 2 Timothy 2:24 being the one that really jumped out at me this morning!
I now know what it is I want to work on next. How do I obey 2 Timothy 2:24 as a strong-willed personality with a gentle underbelly? I realize that as a fruit of the Spirit, that striving to grow this fruit myself is a lesson in futility. However, fruit doesn’t grow by God’s hand if the branch isn’t allowing it to grow. In the surrender to the Holy Spirit’s work in this area, there must be willingness to pass through the process. That process involves changes of perception, attitudes, etc.
I’m at that point now, where I want to see what the Rwandans saw. I want to learn how someone of my personality can, with the Holy Spirit’s help, work that out. My mentor used to talk about humility in such a conversation. . . Scripture says to put others ahead of one’s self. . . Clearly there are some things I need to learn to put head knowledge into heart knowledge where it will be visible to those I interact with.
. . . and the growth train takes off again. . . how many bends down the track will there be this time?